Mitchell : Well, the railing was right next to a crusher. It's pretty clear he'd wanted to say crushing bore, but he'd missed and he was making the best of a bad job. Owner : I can't cook that!
And-and there's loads of things in there you didn't even mention , like the thing with the potato that might as well be magic as far as I'm concerned. Host : It's just local ingredients simply cooked. Owner : By you! King Lear is just English words put in order! The only way any of this will help my restaurant is if you stay forever. Because I'm trying to help you! I'm trying to help you have standards! I'm trying to make you know that the world isn't pleased to see you, you aren't needed or included or loved!
You're ugly! And superfluous! And ignorant! And you should be frightened. And meek. And grateful. That's better. Now, first things first; let's get you a hat. Scientist: That's Numberwang!
Politician: My God! It works! It actually bloody works, you geniuses! Scientist 2: I say, chaps, you don't suppose we could use this for something else? Scientist: Like what? Scientist 2: Something to do with the war? Lieutenant: Whatever! Customer: What happened to the friendly Australian girl who used to work here? Posh Waiter: She's gone , sir.
They've all gone, and we're back. The incredibly posh people who are still unaccountably waiters Leslie: Perhaps you'd like to join me for some Minion: So you really mean anal sex? Host: Joining me tonight are Julie, who's from Yorkshire, and Simon, who's from a factory and made from a special metal.
So, Julie, ever killed a man? Julie: No. Host: Simon? Simon: Yes. Host: Great! Let's play Wordwang! Presenter: Remember, we are a multi-billion dollar multinational company and not a transparent front for a greedy dragon. So I said, "hi James there's some mulled wine and I think there's some beer in the fridge. Businessman: This is a complete departure from normal.
I wouldn't be a millionaire if I fired one-fifteenth of my staff every week. Just to help out, does anyone want to lie pointlessly or take credit for something they didn't do?
So, to sum up, Geoff, who you don't know, has bought a house and is now living in it, having put up some shelves, and I think we can agree that that's basically a good thing. David: I think if people knew how nice the Two Pints garden was, they wouldn't mind the show at all.
Robert: They'd see it as a necessary evil. Webb : Well who's gonna watch that? Mitchell : Freaks. It's a historically accurate recreation of a landmark global conflict! The most beautiful woman in the world? I don't think so, mate.
I mean, honestly! And she looks, you know, fine, good, very presentable, better than ever. Just not Sorry, Jane, you've not been thinking you're the most beautiful woman in the world, have you? Why would you think that? Counsellor: Look, you really don't want to know.
Estate Agent: I do! Husband: N-no, you don't. Executive: Is Simon Schama Jewish? Executive 2: Well— Executive: Because I can tell you, it does come up. Executive 3: So, anyway— Executive: "Is he Jewish?
Host: That is- that is not the tone for this program. We are treading a fine line between the excruciating and the dull. Miracledoctor: I didn't do it to be nice. I did it to be off the hook for all of humanity's other woes and screw-ups.
Store owner: Don't make me knock! What will you have made of me if you force me to knock?! Actor 1: Are you saying you want to get off with me?! Actor 2: No, mate, no, no And I think deep down Loader wants it as well.
Executive: Even at the best of times, David is uncomfortable to watch, and we always assumed that was part of the appeal, people enjoy the challenge. Peter: What Webb : I thought you might like an injection. Feedback Video Example s :. Are We The Badd Show Spoilers. Cancel Save. Fan Feed 1 Numberwang!
Universal Conquest Wiki. Wedding Arrival A wedding guest presents the bride and groom with a series of envelopes. Patricia Wilberforce hosts her confusing, dated programme on real-life sticky situations. Farmer and Horse: Violin Recurring: A farmer tries to get his horse to sing along to his violin playing.
Farmer: Robert Webb. Explorers: Virginia Runner: Sir Walter Raleigh's accomplice isn't too keen on naming land after the fact that Queen Elizabeth was presumably a virgin.
Insulting Librarian A librarian insults a woman into submission over her checking out Shane Richie's " Rags to Richie. Edit source History Talk 0. Cancel Save.
Fan Feed 1 Numberwang! Universal Conquest Wiki. Friendly Phrases An ad agency struggles to come up with new phrases regarding what organizations are evidently doing. Written by David Mitchell. Sort Yourself Out For God's sake, women, sort yourself out. Giant Death Ray A scientist presents his latest inventions to the president and general, but refuses to let them be used for military applications. Scientist: Robert Webb Mr.
Behind the Scenes: Hit and Miss Recurring: Robert asks David why they waste so much time writing deliberately terrible material for the show as to appease expectations. The alleged running order listed is hit, miss, hit, hit, miss, miss, hit, miss, hit, miss, hit, miss, miss, miss, hit, hit, miss, hit, miss. Gary Rhodes A man struggling on a date conjures up Gary Rhodes to help him out, though his homophobia gets in the way.
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